Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Turkey Meatza of Blackest Fowlness

Crimson sunlight streams through black clouds, illuminating the faces of the Gornaeth, the ones who have succumbed to the temptations of the Serpentfolk of Uthcanan. The citizens of Ketogazar must stand vigilant against the Serpentfolk of Uthcanan, or else it is their doom. The Gornaeth become twisted, bloated, snot and pus constantly pour out of their nose and leak from their eyes. They have become everything they have ever feared. 

To combat this, the meatza must be consumed in haste. Fear not, citizen of Ketogazar, for it is easy to grow. 

1/2 pound of lean turkey
1/4 cup pasta sauce
Whatever toppings you like
An oven

Heat the hellforge to 400
Take the meat. Beat the meat.
Once the meat is beat, shape it into a thin circle. Think burger.
Cook 15 minutes.
Take out.
Add sauce and toppings. 
Put back in hellforge
Cook another 15-20 minutes.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

The Aborted Raptor Bake

It has been said that there is no better way of starting the day than bathing in the blood of your enemies, eating a plate of eggs and lean meat.

8 eggs
1 pound of 96% lean ground beef
1 Jalapeño

The Ritual:
Preheat your incinerator to 350
Spray a baking a dish with a blast of unholy lube, butter flavor of you have it. Pam works in a pinch
Brown your beef in a pan.
Drain any fat.
Put beef in baking dish with eggs and jalapeños.
Add your spices.
Bake for 20 minutes or until done.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Meatza of the Hellbeast Glazanor

From the bowels of the hellforge, the flesh of the longpig is transformed into the delicious meatza of blackest evil.

1 pound lean ground pork
1 tsp ground cayenne pepper
1 tsp salt
.5 tsp paprika
.25 cup pizza sauce
1 cup mozzarella or whatever cheese
4 slices of bacon, cut up
Mini pepperoni, as much as you can
1 can black olives
1 can mushrooms
2 jalapeños

The Ritual
Preheat the furnaces of hell to 450
Mix the meat with the spices and spread over a nonstick spray sprayed baking sheet
Bake for 10 minutes.
Take out of the hellbox
Spread the sauce, apply the cheese
Now add the toppings.
Put back in the oven for 20 minutes
Sacrifice a virgin and bathe in his/her blood

Friday, October 16, 2015

Spicy Long Pig of the Blood Drenched Isles

The natives of the Blood Drenched Isles are sure to be on the lookout for one as succulent as you. Beware them. They will sauté you with the demonic dragon peppers and belly fat and sauce of the soy.

1 tbsp fat of bovine injustice
1 pound pork chops, cubed
1-2 jalapeño
3 strips bacon
1 tsp Stevia in the raw
1.5 tbls soy sauce

The Ritual
In a pan melt the butter
Slice and dice the bacon with your +5 keen shears
When bacon is nearly complete, add pork, soy sauce and Stevia
When long pig is nearly done throw the jalapeños on the fire. Stir until it is done and consume with a goblet of long pig blood. Or diet coke.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

From Fields of Hate, the Hellfire Spinach Burns

The Demon rains fall over the fields of Hate as Keto'nor rises from the hellish maw of fire with a platter upon his hand. Shaking with fear, you remove the lid, revealing the steaming pile of the leaves of some plant, mixed with fiery peppers and cheese.
'Eat.' He commands.
And you do.
Your soul shatters before you breathe fire, and you are one of us now.

1 tablespoon fat of bovine injustice
1 brick of frozen leaf spinach
1/2 cup of sharp cheddar cheese
1 habaNero pepper, diced
Red pepper flakes to taste
Garlic powder

The Ritual
Melt the butter in the pan.
Add brick of spinach.
When brick is broken, drain the spinach blood.
Add the spices.
Add the pepper
Add the cheese.
Stir and cover.
Stir again when the time is right.
Serve with stuff.

Friday, October 9, 2015

Amid Frozen Tombs, the Green Beans Stalks it's Prey

From the altar of blackest obsidian the grave wind blows, bringing with it sulfuric summonings and ill tidings. And green beans.

2 cups frozen 'french cut' green beans
3 strips of bacon, chopped up
1 tablespoon of butter

The Ritual
Melt the fat of bovine injustice into a pan.
Cut the bacon with your shears of cutting
When bacon is getting crispy, dump your green beans and stir randomly until they are done. Serve with pork. Or chicken. Or just ear it. Belial will be pleased.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015