Saturday, June 9, 2018

The Knowledge Gained During my Exile

I have been exiled from the gates of Ketogazar.

I have given in to the sugary delights of the poison minded Serpentfolk of Uthcanan, and bacame Gornaeth, and betrayed my brethren and beliefs. I knew better. 

I knew better. 

But I didn't listen. 

I thought I knew better. That I could conquer the Serpentfolk from outside the walls. I was wrong.

The false sway of fitting cake into my macros, where it should have been pork or beef, or even chicken.

The false sway of low fat and low protein being the way of weight control.

The false sway of anything other than the demonic teachings of the scribes and sages of Ketogazar led me down a path of doom. And here I sit. Pounds heavier. Joints hurting. Lethargic.

But no longer!

Hear me Glebruzu and citizens of Ketogazar! I have returned! I am back from my exile! I have escaped the clutches of the Serpentfolk and am no longer Gornaeth!

It is time to bask in the light of the flames of argent urgency and glorious flesh.

Meat is back on the menu, and it is time to heal my body, soul, and mind.

The scribe Deliar has given me a scroll with instructions on how to reachieve my place within these hallowed walls.

I will share it with you, brothers and sisters, for to become Gornarth is a fate worse than death.

1. Deal with the issues you have that make you seek solace in food.

2. Cut out any drink that has calories. Any.
3. Weigh and Track everything you put in your mouth for at least two weeks straight.
4. Intermittent Fasting works wonders with food control.

Deliar reminded me of where I had been, of what I was accomplishing. And here we are.

I have now stepped back into this city of hope, the hordes outside wailing in frustration and lethargic agony.

Let's stay this time, defended by these walls. The library is open. Let us read our fill of knowledge. Let us be equipped with the strongest bodies and minds possible for the upcoming war. The war against the Serpentfolks of Uthcanan.

A war in which we will be victorious! To glory and riches!

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

The Return

Its time to come back into the kitchen. Armed with experience, age, and knowledge, we are able to conquer the Gornaeth and their serpentine masters. Join me. Join us. Let us take back the kitchen.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Turkey Meatza of Blackest Fowlness

Crimson sunlight streams through black clouds, illuminating the faces of the Gornaeth, the ones who have succumbed to the temptations of the Serpentfolk of Uthcanan. The citizens of Ketogazar must stand vigilant against the Serpentfolk of Uthcanan, or else it is their doom. The Gornaeth become twisted, bloated, snot and pus constantly pour out of their nose and leak from their eyes. They have become everything they have ever feared. 

To combat this, the meatza must be consumed in haste. Fear not, citizen of Ketogazar, for it is easy to grow. 

1/2 pound of lean turkey
1/4 cup pasta sauce
Whatever toppings you like
An oven

Heat the hellforge to 400
Take the meat. Beat the meat.
Once the meat is beat, shape it into a thin circle. Think burger.
Cook 15 minutes.
Take out.
Add sauce and toppings. 
Put back in hellforge
Cook another 15-20 minutes.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

The Aborted Raptor Bake

It has been said that there is no better way of starting the day than bathing in the blood of your enemies, eating a plate of eggs and lean meat.

8 eggs
1 pound of 96% lean ground beef
1 Jalapeño

The Ritual:
Preheat your incinerator to 350
Spray a baking a dish with a blast of unholy lube, butter flavor of you have it. Pam works in a pinch
Brown your beef in a pan.
Drain any fat.
Put beef in baking dish with eggs and jalapeños.
Add your spices.
Bake for 20 minutes or until done.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Meatza of the Hellbeast Glazanor

From the bowels of the hellforge, the flesh of the longpig is transformed into the delicious meatza of blackest evil.

1 pound lean ground pork
1 tsp ground cayenne pepper
1 tsp salt
.5 tsp paprika
.25 cup pizza sauce
1 cup mozzarella or whatever cheese
4 slices of bacon, cut up
Mini pepperoni, as much as you can
1 can black olives
1 can mushrooms
2 jalapeños

The Ritual
Preheat the furnaces of hell to 450
Mix the meat with the spices and spread over a nonstick spray sprayed baking sheet
Bake for 10 minutes.
Take out of the hellbox
Spread the sauce, apply the cheese
Now add the toppings.
Put back in the oven for 20 minutes
Sacrifice a virgin and bathe in his/her blood

Friday, October 16, 2015

Spicy Long Pig of the Blood Drenched Isles

The natives of the Blood Drenched Isles are sure to be on the lookout for one as succulent as you. Beware them. They will sauté you with the demonic dragon peppers and belly fat and sauce of the soy.

1 tbsp fat of bovine injustice
1 pound pork chops, cubed
1-2 jalapeño
3 strips bacon
1 tsp Stevia in the raw
1.5 tbls soy sauce

The Ritual
In a pan melt the butter
Slice and dice the bacon with your +5 keen shears
When bacon is nearly complete, add pork, soy sauce and Stevia
When long pig is nearly done throw the jalapeños on the fire. Stir until it is done and consume with a goblet of long pig blood. Or diet coke.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

From Fields of Hate, the Hellfire Spinach Burns

The Demon rains fall over the fields of Hate as Keto'nor rises from the hellish maw of fire with a platter upon his hand. Shaking with fear, you remove the lid, revealing the steaming pile of the leaves of some plant, mixed with fiery peppers and cheese.
'Eat.' He commands.
And you do.
Your soul shatters before you breathe fire, and you are one of us now.

1 tablespoon fat of bovine injustice
1 brick of frozen leaf spinach
1/2 cup of sharp cheddar cheese
1 habaNero pepper, diced
Red pepper flakes to taste
Garlic powder

The Ritual
Melt the butter in the pan.
Add brick of spinach.
When brick is broken, drain the spinach blood.
Add the spices.
Add the pepper
Add the cheese.
Stir and cover.
Stir again when the time is right.
Serve with stuff.