Waking to the Caffeinated Omelet of Golganeth

Crimson sunrise through green black clouds washes over the city ov Ketogazar. The cock crows, invoking its eldritch ritual to begin the day.

And there you are. Lethargic. Groggy. Bleary eyed and weak.

But Golganeth the Black God of the Crows is ever watching.

Its red eyes are ever watchful.

And it demands that you drink.

So you look through your arcane tomes borrowed from the libraries of the city. The scribes have scrawled this recipe over the entry for Golganeth.

The Caffeinated Omelet of Golganeth:

Reagents:
12oz coffee brewed strong
4 tablespoons of egg whites
2 tablespoons of light cream
Dash of cinnamon
Splenda or your sweetener of choice if you so choose.

The Ritual:
Put cream, cinnamon, and splenda in a blender. Add coffee. Blend for 2 seconds.
Add egg whites. Blend for 4 more seconds.
Pour into a cup and garnish with more cinnamon.

Theres science here but I will not get into the alchemy behind this.

With Haste and Shame the Defeated Returns to the Walls Which He Shunned in Pride

There was no excuse.
There was only weakness.
There was only false promises made by gurus and quacks.
And now look.
Now look at me.
Middle Aged and as fat and gross as when I first started this journey.
Because I strayed from the path.
Strayed too far to the enemies camp.
Became the enemy.

But, now.
But now I am here. I have returned.
Will they let me in?
Will they allow me to stay?
Will I still be blessed with the wisdom ov the ancient shadowed libraries?
Or will I be cursed to walk through blackened alleys of the city.

One of the masters of this place, a bearded man on an eight-legged white horse sees me. Recognizes me. Calls me over. His eyes are silver. Burning silver. They bore into me, and I fall to my knees.

I weep then. Weep and sob and moan.

He gets off his horse and lifts me by the throat with one hand. He then slams me into a wall, holds me there. His breath smells of almonds and butter.

"You have failed," he snarls. "Again."

All I can do is nod.

"You have one chance more. Now set thy goals."

He releases me and I fall to the ground, wheezing. And then I rise. "I will not fail again," I spit.

"Good. Prove it to me. Prove it to yourself."

I nod again. It's time. It's time to go from an abomination into the warrior I am destined to be. But now it is up to me. I have all the resources I need. Access to the Ancient Works. To the Forbidden Lore. But it is up to me to DO IT.

The Knowledge Gained During my Exile

I have been exiled from the gates of Ketogazar.

I have given in to the sugary delights of the poison minded Serpentfolk of Uthcanan, and bacame Gornaeth, and betrayed my brethren and beliefs. I knew better. 

I knew better. 

But I didn't listen. 

I thought I knew better. That I could conquer the Serpentfolk from outside the walls. I was wrong.

The false sway of fitting cake into my macros, where it should have been pork or beef, or even chicken.

The false sway of low fat and low protein being the way of weight control.

The false sway of anything other than the demonic teachings of the scribes and sages of Ketogazar led me down a path of doom. And here I sit. Pounds heavier. Joints hurting. Lethargic.

But no longer!

Hear me Glebruzu and citizens of Ketogazar! I have returned! I am back from my exile! I have escaped the clutches of the Serpentfolk and am no longer Gornaeth!

It is time to bask in the light of the flames of argent urgency and glorious flesh.

Meat is back on the menu, and it is time to heal my body, soul, and mind.

The scribe Deliar has given me a scroll with instructions on how to reachieve my place within these hallowed walls.

I will share it with you, brothers and sisters, for to become Gornarth is a fate worse than death.

1. Deal with the issues you have that make you seek solace in food.
2. Cut out any drink that has calories. Any.
3. Weigh and Track everything you put in your mouth for at least two weeks straight.
4. Intermittent Fasting works wonders with food control.

Deliar reminded me of where I had been, of what I was accomplishing. And here we are.

I have now stepped back into this city of hope, the hordes outside wailing in frustration and lethargic agony.

Let's stay this time, defended by these walls. The library is open. Let us read our fill of knowledge. Let us be equipped with the strongest bodies and minds possible for the upcoming war. The war against the Serpentfolks of Uthcanan.

A war in which we will be victorious! To glory and riches!

The Return

Its time to come back into the kitchen. Armed with experience, age, and knowledge, we are able to conquer the Gornaeth and their serpentine masters. Join me. Join us. Let us take back the kitchen.

Meatza of the Hellbeast Glazanor

From the bowels of the hellforge, the flesh of the longpig is transformed into the delicious meatza of blackest evil.

Reagents
1 pound lean ground pork
1 tsp ground cayenne pepper
1 tsp salt
.5 tsp paprika
.25 cup pizza sauce
1 cup mozzarella or whatever cheese
4 slices of bacon, cut up
Mini pepperoni, as much as you can
1 can black olives
1 can mushrooms
2 jalapeños

The Ritual
Preheat the furnaces of hell to 450
Mix the meat with the spices and spread over a nonstick spray sprayed baking sheet
Bake for 10 minutes.
Take out of the hellbox
Spread the sauce, apply the cheese
Now add the toppings.
Put back in the oven for 20 minutes
Sacrifice a virgin and bathe in his/her blood

From Fields of Hate, the Hellfire Spinach Burns

The Demon rains fall over the fields of Hate as Keto'nor rises from the hellish maw of fire with a platter upon his hand. Shaking with fear, you remove the lid, revealing the steaming pile of the leaves of some plant, mixed with fiery peppers and cheese.
'Eat.' He commands.
And you do.
Your soul shatters before you breathe fire, and you are one of us now.

Reagents:
1 tablespoon fat of bovine injustice
1 brick of frozen leaf spinach
1/2 cup of sharp cheddar cheese
1 habaNero pepper, diced
Red pepper flakes to taste
Garlic powder

The Ritual
Melt the butter in the pan.
Add brick of spinach.
When brick is broken, drain the spinach blood.
Add the spices.
Add the pepper
Add the cheese.
Stir and cover.
Stir again when the time is right.
Serve with stuff.

Amid Frozen Tombs, the Green Beans Stalks it's Prey

From the altar of blackest obsidian the grave wind blows, bringing with it sulfuric summonings and ill tidings. And green beans.

Reagents:
2 cups frozen 'french cut' green beans
3 strips of bacon, chopped up
1 tablespoon of butter

The Ritual
Melt the fat of bovine injustice into a pan.
Cut the bacon with your shears of cutting
When bacon is getting crispy, dump your green beans and stir randomly until they are done. Serve with pork. Or chicken. Or just ear it. Belial will be pleased.

Invoking a Silent Twilight With Shots Fired in the Apokalyptic Macro War

Dr. Stephen Phinney - 'Optimising Weight and Health with an LCHF Diet' - Part 1 

Some science for you. 

Crossing a Ancient Darkness While the Macro War Rages On

Dr. Zeeshan Arain - 'Why aren't I losing weight on LCHF?'

The Apocalyptik War of the Macros.

Yeah don't do this

We have all been lied to. There are some assholes out there that will tell you EAT UNLIMITED FAT, EAT ALL YOU CAN!! CALORIES DON'T MATTER! These people are either evil or stupid.

Of course calories matter. If you eat too many, you'll gain weight, no matter if you're eating -500 carbs a day. Keto is not magic. LCHF does not allow you to break the second law of thermodynamics. Maggot, are you so arrogant that you thought you could?

So, what is true?
Let's take a look. Give it a whirl.

Keep carbs below 20. You know that.
Protein: .8 to 1 times your lean body weight in grams.
Fat: These will make up the rest of your calories.

BUT I'M TOO LAZY TO GOOGLE OR FIGURE OUT HOW MANY CALORIES I CAN HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT!!

Well, here.

I know what some people are saying. "YOU SAID HIGH FAT! YOU SHOULD CALL THIS LOW FAT BLAH BLAH BLAH BULLSHIT BULLSHIT!" Die in hellfire.
80-100g of fat is not fucking low fat, its pretty fucking high fat, so fuck off.
By all means, cook your eggs in butter. But add some egg whites in there. If you're low on protein for the day, have a goddamn protein shake. You've earned it, kid.

So, let's see.

Eat:
Meat.
Don't be afraid of the lean cuts. Chicken breast and tilapia may be a total bro foods, but eat it. Eat it cooked in a tablespoon of butter, or fuck it, wrap it in bacon.

Cheese.
Choose lower fat, higher protein options that are 0 to 1 carb. They are out there. Look for them.

Eat your fucking vegetables. Use olive oil on them. Like a tablespoon. Fuck.
"Oh I don't like vegetables." Fuck you, what are you five? Nobody gives a fuck.

Watch your calories. Watch your carbs. Hit your protein goal. If you're eating your calorie limit, you'll get the correct amount of fat. The rest of it will come from your fat ass. Get it? Got it? Great.
HERE'S ANOTHER PIE CHART!

 Follow this.
It works.
For Keto'nor.

Oh, looks like Atkins was right the entire time

Chunky White Sauce of the Demon Beast

This is fucking obnoxious

From the hellish maw of the Wasatch I strike at thee with the evil might of the white sauce of the Demon Beast. 

Reagents:
1 pound breast of the flightless fat bird
5 strips of the cheapest bacon
1 pound green trees
1 cup of Alfredo sauce
Garlic powder, pepper, salt to taste.

The Ritual
Get a pan
Put it on the burner
Cut bacon with scissors into pan
When bacon is done add chicken
When chicken is cooking add your spices
Add the trees. Broccoli. Whatever
Stir in Alfredo sauce and use the powers of hell to simmer.
Pour this alchemical mixture into the skulls of your enemies.
Eat.
Makes two servings
Or four if you're weird.