The Return

Its time to come back into the kitchen. Armed with experience, age, and knowledge, we are able to conquer the Gornaeth and their serpentine masters. Join me. Join us. Let us take back the kitchen.

Turkey Meatza of Blackest Fowlness

Crimson sunlight streams through black clouds, illuminating the faces of the Gornaeth, the ones who have succumbed to the temptations of the Serpentfolk of Uthcanan. The citizens of Ketogazar must stand vigilant against the Serpentfolk of Uthcanan, or else it is their doom. The Gornaeth become twisted, bloated, snot and pus constantly pour out of their nose and leak from their eyes. They have become everything they have ever feared. 

To combat this, the meatza must be consumed in haste. Fear not, citizen of Ketogazar, for it is easy to grow. 

Reagents:

1/2 pound of lean turkey
1/4 cup pasta sauce
Whatever toppings you like
An oven

Ritual:

Heat the hellforge to 400

Take the meat. Beat the meat.
Once the meat is beat, shape it into a thin circle. Think burger.
Cook 15 minutes.
Take out.
Add sauce and toppings. 

Put back in hellforge
Cook another 15-20 minutes.
Consume

The Apocalyptik War of the Macros.

Yeah don't do this

We have all been lied to. There are some assholes out there that will tell you EAT UNLIMITED FAT, EAT ALL YOU CAN!! CALORIES DON'T MATTER! These people are either evil or stupid.

Of course calories matter. If you eat too many, you'll gain weight, no matter if you're eating -500 carbs a day. Keto is not magic. LCHF does not allow you to break the second law of thermodynamics. Maggot, are you so arrogant that you thought you could?

So, what is true?
Let's take a look. Give it a whirl.

Keep carbs below 20. You know that.
Protein: .8 to 1 times your lean body weight in grams.
Fat: These will make up the rest of your calories.

BUT I'M TOO LAZY TO GOOGLE OR FIGURE OUT HOW MANY CALORIES I CAN HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT!!

Well, here.

I know what some people are saying. "YOU SAID HIGH FAT! YOU SHOULD CALL THIS LOW FAT BLAH BLAH BLAH BULLSHIT BULLSHIT!" Die in hellfire.
80-100g of fat is not fucking low fat, its pretty fucking high fat, so fuck off.
By all means, cook your eggs in butter. But add some egg whites in there. If you're low on protein for the day, have a goddamn protein shake. You've earned it, kid.

So, let's see.

Eat:
Meat.
Don't be afraid of the lean cuts. Chicken breast and tilapia may be a total bro foods, but eat it. Eat it cooked in a tablespoon of butter, or fuck it, wrap it in bacon.

Cheese.
Choose lower fat, higher protein options that are 0 to 1 carb. They are out there. Look for them.

Eat your fucking vegetables. Use olive oil on them. Like a tablespoon. Fuck.
"Oh I don't like vegetables." Fuck you, what are you five? Nobody gives a fuck.

Watch your calories. Watch your carbs. Hit your protein goal. If you're eating your calorie limit, you'll get the correct amount of fat. The rest of it will come from your fat ass. Get it? Got it? Great.
HERE'S ANOTHER PIE CHART!

 Follow this.
It works.
For Keto'nor.

Oh, looks like Atkins was right the entire time

Blackest Liquid of the Outer Realms Runs Through Forests so Cold.

It is the decaying days of avtumn, where everything turns grim and frostbite is only a month or two away. When the temperature in this land of snow and sorrow, Southern California, get down to 80 freezing degrees, treat your self to a glass of this blackness.

INGREDIENTSS:
COFFEE
WATER
FROZEN WATER CHUNKS
A VIRGIN

WHAT YOU DO
Create the runes of the Ancient One Belial
Brew a pot of coffee using 1.5 the amount you would use if you were brewing it normally.
When it is cool,  pour it in a bottle.
Put it in your fridge.
Drink it over ice. Or with heavy whipping cream.
Sacrifice the virgin to Belial to complete the ritual.