The Knowledge Gained During my Exile

I have been exiled from the gates of Ketogazar.

I have given in to the sugary delights of the poison minded Serpentfolk of Uthcanan, and bacame Gornaeth, and betrayed my brethren and beliefs. I knew better. 

I knew better. 

But I didn't listen. 

I thought I knew better. That I could conquer the Serpentfolk from outside the walls. I was wrong.

The false sway of fitting cake into my macros, where it should have been pork or beef, or even chicken.

The false sway of low fat and low protein being the way of weight control.

The false sway of anything other than the demonic teachings of the scribes and sages of Ketogazar led me down a path of doom. And here I sit. Pounds heavier. Joints hurting. Lethargic.

But no longer!

Hear me Glebruzu and citizens of Ketogazar! I have returned! I am back from my exile! I have escaped the clutches of the Serpentfolk and am no longer Gornaeth!

It is time to bask in the light of the flames of argent urgency and glorious flesh.

Meat is back on the menu, and it is time to heal my body, soul, and mind.

The scribe Deliar has given me a scroll with instructions on how to reachieve my place within these hallowed walls.

I will share it with you, brothers and sisters, for to become Gornarth is a fate worse than death.

1. Deal with the issues you have that make you seek solace in food.
2. Cut out any drink that has calories. Any.
3. Weigh and Track everything you put in your mouth for at least two weeks straight.
4. Intermittent Fasting works wonders with food control.

Deliar reminded me of where I had been, of what I was accomplishing. And here we are.

I have now stepped back into this city of hope, the hordes outside wailing in frustration and lethargic agony.

Let's stay this time, defended by these walls. The library is open. Let us read our fill of knowledge. Let us be equipped with the strongest bodies and minds possible for the upcoming war. The war against the Serpentfolks of Uthcanan.

A war in which we will be victorious! To glory and riches!

The Return

Its time to come back into the kitchen. Armed with experience, age, and knowledge, we are able to conquer the Gornaeth and their serpentine masters. Join me. Join us. Let us take back the kitchen.

Return of the Hate Eternal

Whole 30 Days of Doom and Mighty Salivating Demonbeasts

REAGENTS
1 Pound ground flesh of nephelim
.5 pound of ground spiced pork entrails
1 head of cauliflower brain
A few hits of ghost pepper hot sauce
2 peppers of the Jalp.
Salt. Pepper. Cayenne pepper. Garlic powder
Some fucking lettuce if it please ya
1 T of butter

THE RITUAL:
Pan. Apply to fire. Melt butter.
When butter is melted take your ground meat. Throw it in the pan. season. Chop up your jalapeños. Throw them in. Knock the shit out of it with a fucking spatula. Chop cauliflower into florets. (Ya should have done this ahead of time)
Add spices and ghost pepper hot sauce.
Cover.
When meat is done and cauliflower is tender, spoon the dish of blackest evil over lettuce.
If I wasn't doing the whole 30 thing, there would be sour cream on top.

Paleolithic Pasta of the Blackest Sin, a Recipe Passed Down From the Chthonic Demonlord Glabrezu

INGREDIENTSSSS

1 Spaghetti Squash
1 kielbasa
1 12 oz bag of broccoli florets
2 Roma tomatoes
1 box of fungus
1 jalapeno
Garlic
Salt
Pepper
Red pepper flakes

WHAT YOU DO
Preheat the incinerator to 375
Hack the spaghetti squash with your sword of blackest might lengthwise like if it were your cousins fetus
Scoop out the seeds and entrails
Put face down on a cookie sheet.
Put in the incinerator for 40 minutes or until a fork goes through its skin easiley
IN A PAN:
Make it hot
Slice up the kielbasa and chop the jalapeno. Sautee them together until the sausage browns.
Add in the tomatoes. Chop them first. Cover.
When the tomatoes have broken down into notthing add in the mushrooms and broccoli.
Have you been adding the spices?
No? Cut off your fingers now.
And then spice your shit.

Take the spaghetti squash out of the box of hell, put on the armor of the winterdemons and take your fork of death.
Shred the squash to make spaghetti like strands. Empty both sides of the squash into the pan.
Turn the heat up.
Sautee and stir.
When it is done spoon it back into the empty husks of the squash. Add some cheese or sour cream on top if you will.

Porcine Flesh of Blackest Sin.

From the dark mist swept depths of the Ralph's on Woodman and Sherman Way comes the most sinful chunks of porcine flesh.

As the Poisoness Sugared Skies Rescind, The Sickness Begins.

Stock Photo of Someone with a headache.

If you are new to this diet of flesh and hate, you may be expierencing something akin to the flu. Headache, achy, lethargic, whatever. But, hark! This is just your body adjusting to the sugar leaving your body as you replace it with fat. It may last a couple days. When this feeling hits you, here are some things you can do:
1)Tough it out. It'll get better. Eventually.
2)Drink chicken broth (maybe with a little butter in it), up your salt.
3)Eat this:

If you chose this... just no.

Obviously #3 was the wrong answer.
#1 works, but #2 is the best.

Salt is good. When you switch from the super high carb Standard MURICAN diet, a bunch of water is flushed out. With all the salt and electrolytes. So, drink chicken broth. Put salt on your avocados. And eggs. And whatever else you eat. You know you want it. And it'll help the carb flu.
Trust.

Pork Thigh to Appease the Demongods of the Winterrealm.

Ingredientssss 1 Pork Thigh. About five or six pounds worth of flesh
1/2 cup MAYONAISSSE
3 Jalapenos, one sliced into rings, the others halved lengthwise.
4-6 strips of bacon
Salt, pepper, garlic powder.
Fires of winterdoom

WHAT YOU DO
Preheat the oven to a god defying temperature of 450. When it reaches that temperature, instantly reduce it to 300. \m/
Conjure the fires of Mount Doom on your stove top, get your pan nice and hot.
Salt, pepper, and garlic your roast. Put it in a large frying pan. Sear the shit out of it
When it is seared, put it in a baking dish. A big one. Or whatever. Top the... top with mayo, more salt, more pepper. Put bacon and the sliced jalapeno on the mayo

It should look something like this
Put it in the oven for about 4-5 hours.
In the meantime, perform the ritual of Grak'nor, have some tea and read from the Forbidden Texts of the winterdemon Gygax.
With an hour or so left to go, start on the sides, if you plan on having any sides, if not, then go take a nap or something. Shit.
I found that mashed cauliflower with plenty of garlic and butter worked great with this, but anything works. Except cake. Cake would not go good with this.
When it is done, and cooked to whatever eternal temperature that porcine flesh is supposed to be, pull it out. Let it rest for like 10-20 minutes.
Slice and enjoy

This is what it looked like.

Filling Peppers with Nocturnal Hellfire

Ingredientsss:
6 Greenbell peppers of unholiness
2 pounds ground beef
1 can diced tomato
2 jalapeno peppers, chopped in the ritual of Gal'takor
Garlic
Red Pepper Flakes to taste
Italian seasoning because fuck it
Sea salt
Shredded cheese
1 12oz box of mushdooms
A tablespoon of butter makes the medicine go down

What you do:
Preheat your incinerator to 350
Brown the meat
Add the jalapenos and mushrooms
Add can of tomatoes
Spice it up
Cut the tops off of the peppers
Tear out their guts
Put some cheese in the bottom
Spoon the beef into the green peppers
Top with cheese
Bake for 30-45 minutes
Consume.

Abattoir Remains of the Elderbeast Bovinegoth

INGREDIENTSS:
Roast:
2 Pound chuck roast. Make sure it is fatty
Garlic Butter. Or garlic and butter.
Seasonings.  Salt and pepper is good.

A Mighty Dish of Mushrooms and Bacon:
A 12 oz package of mushrooms
Half a package of bacon
A couple handful of spinach.

WHAT YOU DO
Roast
Preheat oven to 280
Prepare the roast by adding seasonings,  topping with butter.
Cover with foil, roast for 4 hours.
When done, remove foil and broil for like 5 minutes.

A Mighty dish of mushrooms and bacon
Cut the bacon up a bit, but it in a hot pan.
When it starts to shrink a bit, add the mushrooms.
When the bacon is done and the mushrooms nearly so, throw your spinach into the fire. Sacrifice it to the gods of the Winterealm.
Saute until the spinach is done.

Serve, putting butter on top of the slices of the roast.
Trust me.

Cthonic Chicken of Cosmic Grimness.

INGREDIENTSSS:
A Package of Chicken Legs.
Bacon strips in a corresponding number to the amount of chicken legs in said container of Chicken legs \m/
Broccoli
Cream Cheese
Pepperjack cheese.
Garlic,  salt, pepper,  grimness.

THE RITUAL
Preheat your hellbox to 400.
Take your blade and slit back the plastic of the cthonic chicken legs.
Put them in a baking pan.
Pour on whatever spices you like.
Put a strip of bacon on each one.
Put it in the oven for about an hour. You want the bone to show at the bottom.
Take your broccoli.
Make sure they are in florets.
Shake some garlic powder, salt, pepper on them.
Add cream cheese. Stir it around like a big glop of permafrost.
Put the pepperjack on top.
When there is 30 minutes left for the chicken,  but it in your incinerating hellbox.
Thank ye Belial for now we feast.

Infernal Spiciness of the Nephilim Stew

INGREDIENTSS
3 pounds ground nephilim. (Or cow)
1 pound of nephilim steak.
8 jalapeno chopped
4 habaNero peppers chopped
2 tomatoes chopped
1/4 cup chili powder
1 can chipotle peppers in adobo sauce
Garlic, salt, pepper.

WHAT YOU DO:
Cut up your peppers.
Cut up the steak.
Layer everything in your crock pot. 
Stir it around for a bit with your scepter.
Cook on low for 8-10 hours.

When its done top off with sour cream,  cheese, avocado, whatever.

A Slaughter of the Clovenhoofed on the Plains of Antiquity.

INGRENDIENTSS:
4 Porkchops.
Bacon
Anaheim Chili
Zucchini
Jalapeno
Butter
Salt Pepper Garlic Powder
Parmesan cheese sprinkles

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO:
Pray to the everlasting fires of the dark one and make the oven 375.
Put the porkchops in a baking dish.
Sprinkle with the spices of sin
Cover the porkchops with bacon
Put it in hell's maw and cook for like an hour or so.

The zucchini:
Slice the beasts up with your knife
Slice up some jalapeno
Get a pan hot by doing the ritual of Gat'lahar.
Melt butter.
Saute zucchini and peppers until just about done.
Add a dickload of parmesan to the finished zucchini.

Anaheim Chili:
Broil under high for like 15-20 minutes.
Peel off the blackened,  charred, broken skin, sprinkle the wound with salt.

Pile on your altar and devour in haste.

The Pyramid of the Paleolithic Kvlt of Sisson

Taco Salad ov the Ancient Northern Forest

INGREDIENTSS:
1 pound of ground bovine
A couple knife thrusts of butter
2 or 3 jalapeno chopped
1/4 an onion chopped
A few cloves of garlick
Taco seasoning as low carb as you can get
Spinach or lettuce or something
Maybe some tomato

DIRECTIONS
Taake your pan and turn the heat on medium high
Melt your butter in the pan. Cows are your enemy.
Add the garlic, slosh it around add the onion and jalapenos
When these are done add the beef. Stab it with your spatula. Brown the fuck out of it
When it is Browned add the taco seasoning. Use the fat already in the pan instead of water because this is fucking keto
Stir it up. Turn the stove off and cover for 5 minutes.
Spoon it over the spinach and whatever you already have on your plate.
Sour cream and cheese on top.