With Haste and Shame the Defeated Returns to the Walls Which He Shunned in Pride

There was no excuse.
There was only weakness.
There was only false promises made by gurus and quacks.
And now look.
Now look at me.
Middle Aged and as fat and gross as when I first started this journey.
Because I strayed from the path.
Strayed too far to the enemies camp.
Became the enemy.

But, now.
But now I am here. I have returned.
Will they let me in?
Will they allow me to stay?
Will I still be blessed with the wisdom ov the ancient shadowed libraries?
Or will I be cursed to walk through blackened alleys of the city.

One of the masters of this place, a bearded man on an eight-legged white horse sees me. Recognizes me. Calls me over. His eyes are silver. Burning silver. They bore into me, and I fall to my knees.

I weep then. Weep and sob and moan.

He gets off his horse and lifts me by the throat with one hand. He then slams me into a wall, holds me there. His breath smells of almonds and butter.

"You have failed," he snarls. "Again."

All I can do is nod.

"You have one chance more. Now set thy goals."

He releases me and I fall to the ground, wheezing. And then I rise. "I will not fail again," I spit.

"Good. Prove it to me. Prove it to yourself."

I nod again. It's time. It's time to go from an abomination into the warrior I am destined to be. But now it is up to me. I have all the resources I need. Access to the Ancient Works. To the Forbidden Lore. But it is up to me to DO IT.

The Knowledge Gained During my Exile

I have been exiled from the gates of Ketogazar.

I have given in to the sugary delights of the poison minded Serpentfolk of Uthcanan, and bacame Gornaeth, and betrayed my brethren and beliefs. I knew better. 

I knew better. 

But I didn't listen. 

I thought I knew better. That I could conquer the Serpentfolk from outside the walls. I was wrong.

The false sway of fitting cake into my macros, where it should have been pork or beef, or even chicken.

The false sway of low fat and low protein being the way of weight control.

The false sway of anything other than the demonic teachings of the scribes and sages of Ketogazar led me down a path of doom. And here I sit. Pounds heavier. Joints hurting. Lethargic.

But no longer!

Hear me Glebruzu and citizens of Ketogazar! I have returned! I am back from my exile! I have escaped the clutches of the Serpentfolk and am no longer Gornaeth!

It is time to bask in the light of the flames of argent urgency and glorious flesh.

Meat is back on the menu, and it is time to heal my body, soul, and mind.

The scribe Deliar has given me a scroll with instructions on how to reachieve my place within these hallowed walls.

I will share it with you, brothers and sisters, for to become Gornarth is a fate worse than death.

1. Deal with the issues you have that make you seek solace in food.
2. Cut out any drink that has calories. Any.
3. Weigh and Track everything you put in your mouth for at least two weeks straight.
4. Intermittent Fasting works wonders with food control.

Deliar reminded me of where I had been, of what I was accomplishing. And here we are.

I have now stepped back into this city of hope, the hordes outside wailing in frustration and lethargic agony.

Let's stay this time, defended by these walls. The library is open. Let us read our fill of knowledge. Let us be equipped with the strongest bodies and minds possible for the upcoming war. The war against the Serpentfolks of Uthcanan.

A war in which we will be victorious! To glory and riches!

The Return

Its time to come back into the kitchen. Armed with experience, age, and knowledge, we are able to conquer the Gornaeth and their serpentine masters. Join me. Join us. Let us take back the kitchen.

The Apocalyptik War of the Macros.

Yeah don't do this

We have all been lied to. There are some assholes out there that will tell you EAT UNLIMITED FAT, EAT ALL YOU CAN!! CALORIES DON'T MATTER! These people are either evil or stupid.

Of course calories matter. If you eat too many, you'll gain weight, no matter if you're eating -500 carbs a day. Keto is not magic. LCHF does not allow you to break the second law of thermodynamics. Maggot, are you so arrogant that you thought you could?

So, what is true?
Let's take a look. Give it a whirl.

Keep carbs below 20. You know that.
Protein: .8 to 1 times your lean body weight in grams.
Fat: These will make up the rest of your calories.

BUT I'M TOO LAZY TO GOOGLE OR FIGURE OUT HOW MANY CALORIES I CAN HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT!!

Well, here.

I know what some people are saying. "YOU SAID HIGH FAT! YOU SHOULD CALL THIS LOW FAT BLAH BLAH BLAH BULLSHIT BULLSHIT!" Die in hellfire.
80-100g of fat is not fucking low fat, its pretty fucking high fat, so fuck off.
By all means, cook your eggs in butter. But add some egg whites in there. If you're low on protein for the day, have a goddamn protein shake. You've earned it, kid.

So, let's see.

Eat:
Meat.
Don't be afraid of the lean cuts. Chicken breast and tilapia may be a total bro foods, but eat it. Eat it cooked in a tablespoon of butter, or fuck it, wrap it in bacon.

Cheese.
Choose lower fat, higher protein options that are 0 to 1 carb. They are out there. Look for them.

Eat your fucking vegetables. Use olive oil on them. Like a tablespoon. Fuck.
"Oh I don't like vegetables." Fuck you, what are you five? Nobody gives a fuck.

Watch your calories. Watch your carbs. Hit your protein goal. If you're eating your calorie limit, you'll get the correct amount of fat. The rest of it will come from your fat ass. Get it? Got it? Great.
HERE'S ANOTHER PIE CHART!

 Follow this.
It works.
For Keto'nor.

Oh, looks like Atkins was right the entire time

Filling Peppers with Nocturnal Hellfire

Ingredientsss:
6 Greenbell peppers of unholiness
2 pounds ground beef
1 can diced tomato
2 jalapeno peppers, chopped in the ritual of Gal'takor
Garlic
Red Pepper Flakes to taste
Italian seasoning because fuck it
Sea salt
Shredded cheese
1 12oz box of mushdooms
A tablespoon of butter makes the medicine go down

What you do:
Preheat your incinerator to 350
Brown the meat
Add the jalapenos and mushrooms
Add can of tomatoes
Spice it up
Cut the tops off of the peppers
Tear out their guts
Put some cheese in the bottom
Spoon the beef into the green peppers
Top with cheese
Bake for 30-45 minutes
Consume.

Invoking the Demons of Business Insider to Validate My Infernal Diet of Hate

13 Nutrition Lies That Made the World Sick and Fat